How to Ruin Your Boyfriends Reputation Read online

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  Could Nimrod know Avi? That would be so cool and easy if the first guy I meet on the base knows where Avi is. "Is his name Avi Gefen? Because I know hes stationed on this base for a few weeks this summer--"

  Nimrod stops and his eyes bug out. "Youre Gefens girlfriend?"

  I smile wide. I cant help it. "Yep. "

  I think I notice the corners of his mouth twitch, but Im not sure. "Does Gefen know youre here?"

  "No," I say sheepishly. "Its kind of a surprise. "

  "Oh, he will definitely be surprised. " We all follow Nimrod to what I assume is the barracks (aka bittern). I spot them now. The barracks are off-white cement buildings (similar to every building on base), but theyre one story and have only two small windows on each side.

  "Amy! Jessica! Miranda!"

  I wince at the sound of Ronits voice. The four of us reach our very annoyed leader. Shes standing next to a guy who resembles a Russian boxer I once saw in an old Rocky movie. . . or a WWE wrestler. Hes over six feet tall with blond hair and blue eyes. And his arms are crossed on his chest, making his huge muscles bunch up. Avis muscles are huge, but this guy must weightlifter small cars to get his arms that bulky.

  I point to the luggage in Nimrods hand. "Sorry we lagged behind. One of my suitcases broke. "

  Nimrod sets my luggage down and salutes to the big, blond wrestler.

  "Girls, this is Sergeant Ben-Shimon," Ronit says, introducing us to the big dude. "Hell be your unit commander. "

  "Oh, cool," I say. "Can we just call you Sergeant Ben?"

  "No," he says in a stern voice. "The rest of your unit is already having lunch. "

  Great, they all left without us. "Well, I guess if you point us in the direction of the mess hall or whatever you call the place where we eat, thatll be great. "

  Ronit points to the open doorway. "Put your suitcases in the bittan, then follow me to the cheder ochel, where soldiers eat. There isnt much time left before your next activity. "

  The inside of the place well be sleeping for the next three weeks isnt pretty. Bunk beds are lined up in neat rows (just in case you were wondering, the bunks are made out of metal, not wood) and the mattresses dont resemble anything like featherbeds. The place is not air conditioned, and the windows are open. Unfortunately, the door to the room is open to the outside, too, so a few bees are flying around.

  Do the Sababa tour people know that sleeping with bees is so not sababa?

  Jessica and I eye each other. We dont even have to talk, because weve been best friends long enough to know what the other is thinking.

  Miranda says, "This isnt so bad. "

  Jessica and I dont answer.

  We all set our suitcases inside the barracks, then follow Ronit.

  "Where are the bathrooms?" I ask. "I had an entire Diet Coke on the bus and Ive got to pee. "

  "Me, too," Jessica says.

  Miranda admits shes been holding it for the past two hours, so Ronit leads us to a small structure. Its bigger than a port-a-potty but smaller than the girls bathroom at Chicago Academy, where I go to school.

  "Here. But you better hurry, girls. "

  We file inside the bathroom. The stench of pee/poo/ bacterial disinfectant creeps up my nostrils immediately.

  Jess takes her designer sunglasses off her nose slowly. "This place stinks so bad my eyes are starting to water. "

  I plug my nose. "Seriously, Mutts farts arent this bad. " (Mutt is my crazy dog, and yes, he is a mutt. )

  I hurry to pull back a curtain, which I assume is the equivalent to a bathroom stall back home. When I peek at whats behind the curtain, I cant believe my eyes.

  Its a hole. In the ground.

  Okay, so thats not entirely the right way to describe it.

  Its a hole in the ground with two rubber non-skid mats in the shape of feet on either side of it. . . I guess for dumb people who have no clue where to place their feet.

  "I cant pee in that," I say, but saying the word pee makes my urge to do it that much stronger.

  Jess whines. "Do you think I can hold it in for two weeks?"

  I look back at Ronit. "Do you have any bathrooms with toilets?"

  "This is a bathroom. And thats a toilet. "

  "No, thats a hole. "

  Ronit was previously cheery, but I think weve cracked her and now shes bordering on annoyed. She steps forward. "This isnt a hotel or spa, ladies. Its the IDF. Now either pee or not, I dont care. But you have three minutes to do your business and head to the cheder ochel to eat, or youll be finding yourselves assigned to bathroom cleaning duties. "

  With that, Ronit leaves the three of us alone.

  "I hate her," Jess says.

  Mirandas mouth starts to quiver. Im not sure if its because shes late for lunch or because she doesnt know how to pee in a hole.

  "My bladder is about to burst," I say, pushing past Jessica and closing the curtain shut.

  "Ill go in the one next to you," Jess says.

  I notice the graffiti on the side wall. In pen, someone etched words in English. It says: Beware of the Loof!

  What or who is the Loof ?

  I dont have time to think about the Loof too hard. I put my feet on the rubber pads and pull down my shorts. But when I try and squat, theyre in the way.

  "I cant squat for this long," Jess says. "My thigh muscles are starting to quiver. "

  "I think I just peed on my leg," Miranda informs us. Eww!

  "When Im finally in position, I cant relax because Im listening to my two friends complain. "Shut up, guys. My pee is getting stage fright from listening to you both yapping. "

  "Thirty seconds!" Ronit yells from outside.

  Yeah, as if pressure is going to help me relax.

  I hear Miranda wash her hands and head outside. Then I hear Jess washing her hands by the sink. "Hurry up, Amy," she whispers loudly. "I dont want to do doo-doo duty. "

  I look down at the hole, to see if I am aiming in the right spot. "Oh, shit!" I yell. "My sunglasses fell in the hole!" I forgot they were on top of my head!

  "If you stick your hand down there to get them, I cannot be best friends with you anymore. Just leave them!" Jess calls out. "And hurry up!"

  "Those cost me $235. "

  "Now theyre worth nothing. Come on!"

  For a nanosecond I contemplate fishing them out of the crap (literally) below, but. . . I just cant. I think if I did Id require more therapy than I already need.

  Wiping myself (with brown toilet paper resembling brown paper towels they have in the art room at school-- which I now know is very scratchy and irritating on sensitive body parts) and putting my undies and shorts back on, I pray that I see Avi soon. Because this army experience is not me, and while I knew that the experience would be challenging, I also knew that seeing Avi for even a little bit would be worth it.

  Now if I could just find my boyfriend. . .

  Chapter 5

  There are some things God never intended girls to do -- squatting when peeing is definitely high up on that list.

  Lunch was in a hot and sweaty coed building. "Well, to be specific, I was hot and sweaty. . . the room was just hot. I caught a glimpse of Nathan, who seemed to be entertaining his table because everyone was focused on him. The meal consisted of overcooked chicken (considering I only eat white meat and came to lunch late, I was stuck eating legs and thighs), yellow rice, and a pea/mushroom concoction. Drinks were a choice of room-temperature tap water or room-temperature tap water (you guessed it, there wasnt a choice at all). And Im not sure Israelis know what ice is, because every time I asked for it they got a confused look on their face.

  Oh, yeah. They had hot coffee and hot tea as drink alternatives, but I dont drink those and anyway who in their right mind would want a hot beverage when it feels like its a hundred degrees outside? There wasnt even a Coke machine.

  At the end of our hurried meal, we all place our garbage in cans and the plates/silverware in plastic bins,
and are instructed to line up outside in neat rows.

  Someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around, hoping against all hope that its Avi, but its not. "Oh, its you.

  Nathan puts his arm around me. "Oh, come on. Admit that you missed me. "

  "Weve only been apart for a little more than an hour, Nathan. Give me time to miss you. " I shrug his arm off me. "I see youve made friends already. "

  "The guys in my unit are cool, but Id rather bunk with you girls," he says as we line up with the others like good little soldiers. For over twenty minutes were taught how to get in formation. Five rows of eight people each, an arms length apart. "At ease" is hands behind your back with your legs spread shoulder width apart. "Attention" is saluting with your feet together.

  Ronit is standing in front of the entire group, with Sergeant "Dont-Call-Me-Ben"-Shimon next to her.

  "Lets just say Im glad youre on the other side of the base," I whisper to Nathan as the sergeant starts talking.

  "I can always sneak out with the guys and peek in on you girls while youre changing," he whispers back.

  I wish I could talk louder but everyone is quiet, listening to the sergeant. Ill have to get briefed later on what hes saying, because Im not listening. Instead, I whisper, "Nathan, youre a perv. "

  "We can call it Operation Boobie Watch," he whispers back, but emphasizes the word "boobie," which he knows I hate. Boobage, boobie, jugs, hammocks, etc. . . I hate all the nicknames for boobs.

  Operation Boobie Watch? Eww! I know Nathan doesnt mean it. Hes just trying to get a rise out of me because it entertains him. He knows how to push my buttons. . . especially when it comes to boobs.

  God gave me this body, but I really wish hed have given me less of it in the boob department.

  In response to Nathans comment, I shove him away from me. Which isnt the best idea in the world, because now Sergeant "Dont-Call-Me-Ben"-Shimon stops talking and focuses his ice-blue eyes on us.

  "Tell me your names?"

  Everyone is staring at us. Were in big trouble. Oh, crap. "Amy," I squeak out. Guess he didnt remember we already were introduced by the barracks.

  "Nathan, sir!" I hear from my best guy friend/enemy/ annoyance beside me. He says it loud and clear, like hes been in the military his entire life instead of just one and a half hours.

  "Amy, what was I just explaining?" the sergeant asks me.

  Double oh-crap. I dare not tell the guy I was expecting to get the shortened version by asking my friends. Deciding theres no other way around it, I tell him the truth.

  "I dont know. . . SIR!" I figure adding the sir might earn me some brownie points--it seemed to work for Nathan. But from the sergeants eyebrow-furrowing expression, I realize my sir didnt work.

  He stands in front of Nathan and asks the same question. Nathans response is the same as mine.

  "You and you," the sergeant says, pointing to each of us. "Follow me. "

  We follow the guy to the front of the entire American trainee unit. Looking ahead, I see Jessica with a worried expression. She knows Im not into the whole military thing.

  "Give me twenty," the sergeant commands, with his hands on his hips.